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Getting to know: Kaya Oakes.

August 22, 2010 \am\31 8:20 am

"Here's me as a late 80s alterna teen," Kaya writes.

[In which WWAATD asks vapid questions culled from various teen magazines to non-vapid, non-teenager types.]

Full Name: Kaya Misdemeanor Oakes
Age: 39 1/3
Height: 5′ 10 and 1/2 motherfucking inches
Currently Live: on the couch
Hometown: Oakland, CA
Instruments: bass, cello, migraines
Car: Honda Fit (poor man’s Prius)
Secret Talent: I can put out burning matches on my tongue

What is the best thing about your job? I get to humiliate myself in front of teenagers.
What was your most embarrassing audition moment? Flop sweat pours out of me when I’m sitting still.
If you could live in any past era which would it be and why? I’d like to go back to the 50s and punch Kerouac. He’d probably like it.
Who is your role model and why? I’m quite fond of Leonard Nimoy, because he’s Leonard Nimoy.
What do you do for fun? Tell my husband horrifying stories about farting on airplanes.
Do you have a good luck charm? My lucky underwear recently burst a seam.
Wackiest fan encounter: Fanmail from a guy in Uruguay. I’m big in Uruguay. Also an email from a guy who was angry because I apparently misquoted Pavement.
Before I die, I want to: Eat my weight in cheese. Oh wait, that happened yesterday.
When I fly I have to have: A copy of US Weekly and a valium.


If I had to spend $10 at my favorite fast food joint, I’d order: Five large Pepsis and a barf bag.
My coolest article of clothing: My cheese stained sweatpants.
My first financial splurge was: A stuffed unicorn with a floppy horn.
When friends come over, we: Sit around and make fun of hipsters, while secretly realizing that we are hipsters.
Do you like to cook? If so, what? I cook all the fucking time. Let’s talk about something else.
TV show I never miss: Reruns of the first season of The OC.
If you could interview any celeb whom would it be and why? I’d like to talk to GG Allin and find out of the poo was real.
Anything about yourself you wish you could change? My black wounded heart.
I’ll eat sushi, but not: Sea urchin. Something that looks like that isn’t meant to be eaten.
What are your best and worst subjects in school? I’m certifiably terrified of math! I have mathquakes.
If you could be granted 3 wishes, they’d be… a full cheese drawer, health and happiness for my beloveds, a badass progressive female pope.
If I could gay-marry anyone in the world, he/she would be… Nigella Lawson. We have the same ass. Twin ass action.
Where on earth are you most dying to go? Rome.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? My course evaluations from last semester.
Do you ever wish you could just be a normal kid? Oh gosh, no. Normal kids are so boring.
What would people be surprised to know about you? That I have feelings. I can come off a little abrasively.
If you had to name one song as your theme song, what would it be? “Life Is” by Too $hort.
Have you had a starstruck Hollywood experience? Who was it with? I once saw Tom Waits smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk. Another time Sean Penn came into the bookstore where I used to work. He’s very, very short.

FAVORITES
Favorite Actor/Actress:
Leonard Nimoy!!!
Favorite Movie: Anything with Leonard Nimoy!!!
Favorite Body Part: My surprisingly tiny left wrist.
Favorite Singer: Bob Dylan: the meth years.
Favorite Song: Does Bach’s Mass in B Minor count?
Favorite Candy: Reese’s PB Cups.
Favorite Philospher: Descartes. No, Bob Dylan. Actually, Wolverine from the X Men. Or Dolemite.
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Chocolate anything.
Favorite Sport: Blech, sports. Rugby’s okay, but only because I like the word “scrum”.
Favorite Sports Team: I guess I have to say the Cal Bears because all the athletes seem to end up in my classes.
Favorite Athlete: Oh for Christ’s sake, can we move on from the sports thing?
Favorite Book: One I haven’t written yet!
Cell Phone or iPod: iPod. Nobody can annoy you by calling you.
Summer or Winter: Winter. It’s much easier to warm up than it is to cool off.
Ice Skating or Gymnastics: STOP TALKING ABOUT SPORTS
LA or New York: New York, I guess, but it’s so freaking expensive.
Skiing or Snowboarding: STOP TALKING ABOUT SPORTS.
Chocolate or Flowers: Cheese.
Dogs or Cats: Let me ask my three cats about that.

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