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ThanksKilling: “I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, bitch.”

November 22, 2010 \pm\30 1:00 pm

For most families, Thanksgiving has never been thought of as a horror-movie occasion unless someone whips out the home videos from The Potty Training years.

But that’s about to change for anyone who hasn’t yet seen ThanksKilling.

Produced on a budget of around $3,500 and starring a porn star and a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of, including someone named “General Bastard,” this 2009 holiday gem’s only description on IMDb is “a homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.

But even with the IMDb community’s ranking, a meager 4.1 stars, in mind, it’s so much more than that.

The terror-slash-hilarity begins when a dog wanders off into the woods and relieves itself on a small totem pole, which we should interpret as a signal that this is an Ancient Indian Burial Ground (duh). A small-scale earthquake ensues as a demonic turkey erupts from below, screaming obscenities.

Yes, he talks.

Those who take issue with cursing, bloodshed, scatological humor, or random bouts of uncensored boob-flashing should steer clear of this film. As a horror movie it would be an abysmal failure.

A few scenes do cross the line. One features, in the words Johnny, one of the leads, an “extra small gravy-flavored condom.” (Ew.)

But on the whole, there’s nothing in this film that that will send your Thanksgiving feast back up. Significantly better acting can be found in your choice of high school drama club productions or in the “First Thanksgiving”-themed puppet show your six-year-old niece put on after dessert. Do not search for meaning, talent or any sort of skill in this movie; you will not find it, and if you realize this at the same time as the pumpkin pie sugar crash arrives, it will make you get belligerent.

ThanksKilling knows this: It’s not trying to be good.  In fact, this movie knows exactly how bad it sucks and wants to share that with the world—and that is the secret ingredient that makes it all come together. ThanksKilling is, if nothing else, a delicious waste of 1 hour and 6 minutes of your life. That is 1 hour and 6 minutes of family time you can never get back. Think about all the stories of gall stones and cataracts and rehashing of last year’s MMA-style candied yam throwdown you could be enduring for 1 hour and 6 minutes. But instead, you’re watching a low-budget tribute to a 505- or 510-year-old,* foul-mouthed turkey, and a bunch of college kids who can’t even act like they can act trying to battle it.

There are hermits and fake mustaches and a fat man running around with no shirt. Maybe those things are already a part of your Thanksgiving tradition, but if not? You’re welcome.

ThanksKilling is the type of movie you leave at the bottom of the sock drawer and watch with your cousins after Grandma has gone to bed and you want to finish off the wine. This blend of corniness and gore is a great way to decompress after what’s sure to be a long day of family tryptophan. Just make sure no stray kids with food hangovers come wandering out in the midst of this boob- and gore-centric romp; this turkey is actually a bit terrifying for the under-ten set, and homicidal poultry looks pleasant next to your sister when she’s angry.

ThanksKilling is streaming on Netflix, available on Time Warner on-demand, and can be picked up at most video stores (if you still use those). Just make sure you watch it. Or be prepared to fend off a bloodthirsty turkey during the night.

*In one scene the turkey is said to have been created 505 years ago; in another, it claims it can use the word “fuck” because it is 510 years old.

  1. Robin Elizabeth Sampson permalink
    November 22, 2010 \pm\30 4:35 pm 4:35 pm

    This is good to know.

  2. November 22, 2010 \pm\30 11:36 pm 11:36 pm

    Who said the mustache was fake? LOL — Thanks for the great review.

    ThanksKilling is a very special movie and you either ‘get it’ or you don’t. I think it will truly end up being a cult classic.

    It came out a year ago this week and the social networking boards still chat about it daily.

    Have a great ThanksKILLING holiday.

    Chuck ‘Dead Body Guy’ Lamb
    Sheriff Roud

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