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We who are about to diet: Janey Smith.

December 27, 2010 \am\31 9:53 am

Woe befell me the day I learned that the writer Janey Smith is actually a man named Mr. Trull, who lacks lady parts. Janey and I had bonded over email and  I felt that her vulva catalyzed our connection. Now where were we?

To ease the ache of betrayal, I built a pain cave out of Laughing Cow cheese wedges.  I blew through 8-balls of Fiber One. I stayed in bed all day stroking my Vitamuffin and watched as Grateful Dead bears danced around the microwave, chanting: What does it mean to be a fully formed woman?

Alas, I’ve come to a place of acceptance over Ms. Smith’s vas deferens. No use crying over spoiled boy parts. She lives in San Francisco and I in New York City, so what’s the difference? And what is the difference anyway?

For old times sake, I’ve asked Ms. Smith to cast aside those vas deferens, climb into her ladybody and resurrect a classic WWAATD interview. Here she is, in all her cherry pie:

Name: Janey Smith

Age: 29

Predominant genre: Make-believe, lies.

How much time would you say you spend thinking about your physical appearance each day?

A lot. It’s all I ever do. I walk around, hold a mirror to my face, bump into people. My analyst says I never advanced beyond the mirror stage. I don’t know. It seems my image is all I have.

How much time would you say you spend doing activities to improve your physical appearance each day? What are some of these activities?

A lot. I file my nails, look bored, like, all the time. I also buy clothes from Goodwill, give blow jobs to homeless people I meet on the street. There are lots of homeless people in San Francisco. So, I get lots of exercise.

Do you feel like the time and mental energy you devote to your physical appearance takes away from the time and mental energy you might otherwise devote to your writing?

Um, no. I mean, what’s the difference? When I work on my physical appearance I am also engaged in a kind of writing. Therefore, I am totally devoted. My next novel will be written entirely in lipstick.

Do you have trouble rectifying your identity as a writer with your consideration for your appearance?

I am equal to nothing. But my “I” is also sometimes equal to my appearance as a writer. For the most part, my “I” doesn’t exist so much. But when it appears, it kind of threatens identity, gives itself to shadows, makes things weird. I don’t really do a lot of self-reflection. My ex-boyfriend never had trouble rectifying me, though.

Janey, between corn nuts.

Do thoughts and feelings about your appearance in any way dictate your choice of subject matter?

Use lots of foundation, aim for precision, focus on surface, employ trick mirrors, apply repeatedly. Yeah, I guess so.

Do you ever feel like heterosexual male writers are at an advantage, because they don’t “have to” spend as much physical and mental energy on appearance?

Not really. All male writers I know are busy filing their nails, looking bored. If you are a writer and you are male, then you are queer. Case in point, Norman Mailer. However, I do believe that non-homosexual male writers spend as much time on their make up as real writers. Although, they could put more time into choosing their outfits, receiving pedicures, brushing their hair before bed.      

Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Valerie Solanas is my mother.

If so, do you have trouble rectifying your identity as a feminist with your consideration for your appearance?

No. My appearance, my feminism is a power. If you want to turn society upside down: dress like a slut, act like a pirate, steal things, give things away, do whatever you want. Remember: Men are genetically inferior. They’ll bluff, blow a lot smoke, beat you up once in a while, but they need you. For men, women are a biological and evolutionary threat, which is why men have worked so hard to become charming lawyers, cunning linguists and playful military strategists. But, remember, men need you. On the other hand, women don’t need men. Men are more like holiday decorations, a pair of earrings, a cellphone case. In other words, disposable, irrelevant. Men are here to give us something to do, that’s all.

Have you ever used any non-food substances to keep your weight down?

My ex-boyfriend would make me suck on his entire fist, and say, “Have you had enough?” I’d always respond, “Uh-huh.” That way, he’d keep doing it.

If you could eat anything you wanted and not gain weight, what are some foods you would eat?

Donald Edwards, glazed doughnuts, chocolate cupcakes, cinnamon rolls, cherry pie, apple pie, boysenberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, milk.

What did you eat yesterday?

My best friend Sally. We were drunk.

Did you eat what you ate yesterday based on pleasure, environmental factors, health factors, staying skinny, or something else?

Environmental factors. Sally and her boyfriend got in a fight. She was on her period, what are friends for?

What’s in your refrigerator?

Cheese. A bunch of fruit, some drink. Watermelon bubblegum. Cat food, ice cream. Bucket of chicken. Pepperoni pizza. Old McDonald’s stuff, half an avocado. Tater-tots. Zoloft. Cabbage, a slurpee. Twinkies, milk, left-over wedding cake. Beer bottle. Lemon. Lip gloss, bananas. Microwave burritos. Empty ketchup bottle, Popsicle. Spanish fly. Coconut-covered cupcakes. Pitcher of beer.

What’s in your pantry?

A toaster. Two packs of pop rocks. Glazed doughnut. Clove cigarettes, book of matches. Barbecue corn nuts. Cereal. Some poppers, tapioca pudding mix. Glue. Nestle crunch bars, popcorn, milk carton. Ritz crackers. Tube of Pringles, soap dish. Bear claws, frosted cherry Pop Tarts, yellow cake mix. Black licorice. Polar bear mask.

  1. December 27, 2010 \am\31 10:20 am 10:20 am

    i felt betrayed when i found out janey had a penis. i guess cuz, i too, felt we bonded in the comraderie of our girl parts. but then i got over it. for the record, i still have all of my vulvas

  2. Jean Genet permalink
    December 27, 2010 \pm\31 12:44 pm 12:44 pm

    Anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all.

  3. December 27, 2010 \pm\31 2:14 pm 2:14 pm

    “Polar bear mask”: well, yeah. Go, Janey, go.

  4. January 2, 2011 \pm\31 12:12 pm 12:12 pm

    Thanks, Janey, for being the only one who stood up for me and my girl stories in that one class that had all the ass-hole-dudes-who-thought-they-were-Bukowski in it. Chicks rule.

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