[In which WWAATD asks vapid questions culled from various teen magazines to non-vapid, non-teenager types.]

Full Name: David Holub

Age: 32, I think. Some say I look low-40s. Last year I was introduced to this person and over the course of the conversation she asked me how old I was. “How old do you think I am?” “36?” “Ohh, five years off!” “41?” Yeah, she rounded up, said inadvertently that I look 10 years older than I am. That’s not a good sign. This issue keeps me up at night.

Height: 6-1

Currently Live: Falls Village, CT

Hometown: Littleton, CO

Instruments: Trombone, air bugel.

Car: Subaru Impreza wagon, the official car of rural Connecticut.

Secret Talent: A stellar Owen Wilson impression.

If you could live in any past era which would it be and why? Right when apes started to turn into humans. Right then. Because, yeah, we have our computers and internet and technology, but that was when we were, like, changing out of monkey clothes.

Who is your role model and why? Anyone who seems not to work, goes to bed when he’s tired, gets up when he’s good and ready, does what he chooses all day long. Dan Pope comes to mind.

What do you do for fun? Questionaires. I’m having a ball right now. Thank you for this opportunity.

Do you have a good luck charm? Yes.

Wackiest fan encounter: Normally fans have three speeds, right? But one time at Sears there was one with just two speeds and I was like, “This is quite wacky.”

Before I die, I want to: Eat an entire bag of cheez puffs in one sitting. I’m not even kidding. I’ve always said I’s gonna.

When I fly I have to have: Something good to read. Something interesting but not too challenging. Freakonomics II: Electric Boogaloo at the airport gift shop at full price was so worth the $29.99 If I had to spend$10 at my favorite fast food joint, I’d order: Eleven tacos. And I’d eat them all while driving home, sweating profusely and then, once home, spending 35 minutes on the can reading Freakonomics II: Freakonomics Strikes Back.

My coolest article of clothing: Does footwear count? If so, my cowboy boots, which will wait until Saturday night and then kick your ass single-handedly.

My first financial splurge was: Buying a $28,000 SUV, a$900 computer and $800 camera in the span of two months, all on credit. Oh to be 23 again. When friends come over, we: Laugh at how small my place is. Do you like to cook? If so, what? Is that a serious question? Any man who doesn’t like to cook is not a man, but a little boy and a little boy that should be ashamed of himself at that. What I “like to cook” is too extensive of a answer. My latest endeavor was a mahi mahi with an orange-ginger glaze. TV show I never miss: I don’t have a TV. But Netflix Watch Instantly has me falling in love with the Larry Sanders Show. If you could interview any celeb whom would it be and why? Is “interview” a euphemism for “ask questions of”? If not, and if you’re getting at what I think you’re getting at, well then I’d like to have a passionate affair with Sarah Silverman. Anything about yourself you wish you could change? Better hair. Smaller nose. More consistent voice. Smoother hands. Less fat on torso. More attractive face. Not color blind. Smarter. Legs that are the same length. Bigger feet. Longer arms. I’ll eat sushi, but not: Who says I’ll eat sushi? What, must I like sushi? What if I don’t? Does that make me unsophisticated, one to look down upon, a philistine, unworthy of your elitist questionnaire? How about you go fetch some rice paper, some raw fish and my ass, you condescending, presumptive son of a bitch. What are your best and worst subjects in school? Best: Gym and band, which inflated my GPA like you wouldn’t believe. Worst: Anything that actually mattered. Math and science come to mind. If you could be granted 3 wishes, they’d be… 1. God proven or disproven. 2.$10 million. 3. Phenomenal writing skills.

If I could gay-marry anyone in the world, he/she would be… Barack Obama. No question.

Where on earth are you most dying to go? I feel like New Zealand is the correct answer here.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? I cry every day. The last thing that made me cry today was the way the wind made the snow seem to fall upward.

Do you ever wish you could just be a normal kid? Yes, but it’s definitely not in my top three wishes, as demonstrated above.

What would people be surprised to know about you? I’m a Holocaust denier. Just kidding! Too dark? Too soon? Cross the line?

If you had to name one song as your theme song, what would it be? Something sad. Something by Nick Drake.

Have you had a starstruck Hollywood experience? Who was it with? I saw Ben Stiller at the Palace of Versailles. I wanted to ask him if he knew what Bob Odenkirk was up to.

Favorite Actor/Actress: Jeffrey Tambor.

Favorite Movie: Adaptation Favorite Body Part: that skin on your elbow that can’t feel pain. How brave!

Favorite Singer: Celine Dion.

Favorite Song: Bird in House, Railroad Earth.

Favorite Candy: Cocoa Pebbles.

Favorite Philospher: Charlie Kaufman.

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Swirl any candy bar into vanilla and I’m good.

Favorite Sport: I’m done with sports

Favorite Sports Team: The terrible team whose merchandise gets tossed into the clearance bin, but not even the clearance bin inside the store, the one that’s set up outside alongside the please-just-take-this-stuff table with the size 15 cleats, and you end up getting, say, a Toronto Raptors hat for \$2.97.

Favorite Athlete: Brian Bohanon, portly pitcher for the Colorado Rockies in the mid-90s. I’d heard somewhere back then that he was a major league pitcher and a cigarette smoker.

Favorite Book: Jesus’ Son.

Cell Phone or iPod: I didn’t realize iPods were making calls these days.

Summer or Winter: If you’re talking seasons, I could make a strong argument for both. If you’re talking Olympics, the answer is so obvious I’m not even going to say it.

Ice Skating or Gymnastics: The men’s floor exercise is one of the most astonishing feats of human achievement.