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We who are about to tweet: @drewkalbach.

July 1, 2011 \pm\31 5:30 pm

[In which we find out the Twitter philosophies of my most beloved follows.]

Twitter username: @drewkalbach
Real name: Drew Kalbach
Recent memorable tweet: “can’t wait to bodyslam this toddler like a true babydaddy”

How often do you tweet? Do you limit yourself to a number of tweets per day, or to a certain time of day? Any other OCD-like tweeting tendencies?

I used to tweet much more often than I do now. I find that I tweet twice a day on average. Lately, though, I’ve been tweeting in bursts of 5 – 8 or something like that. I don’t know. Some people tweet too often, and I may be one of them, but I try to keep my tweets at least relatively interesting, and I try not to flood people’s timelines. But it’s hard, striking that balance. That being said, though, some of my favorite tweeters tend to tweet in bursts: Blake Butler, Errol Morris, Dan Bailey, George Lazenby. There are some people I wish would tweet more often, like Ryan Call, but maybe his lower volume tweeting is what makes his tweets great. Anyway, I just tweet whenever the fuck I feel like tweeting and I tweet whatever the fuck I feel like tweeting, which is probably going to have to stop one day.

What is your ‘follow’ philosophy? Do you follow everyone who follows you? Do you follow celebrities, lit mags, ex-boyfriends?

I follow only people I find interesting. I try not to follow too many people, as I don’t want to spend too much time staring at my twitter timeline, so I try to keep it under 60. Every once in awhile I’ll remove old people and add new people. I know that there is some weird etiquette that says you should follow people that follow you, but I genuinely enjoy reading tweets and twitter, so I’m not going to waste my time wading through the shit. I actually just trimmed 5 people from my list because why not. I follow only one celebrity, and that is Andrew WK. He is the greatest philosopher of our generation. I generally hate people that do a lot of retweets or tweets that relate to their personal lives or tweets about a specific topic. I like twitter accounts full of fragments, weird thoughts, images without reference, etc etc. If you tweet like I tweet then you’re a great tweeter.

What is your @ philosophy? Do you tweet people back, engage in ‘chit chat,’ become annoyed when others do?

I mostly @ reply my close friends. I try to reply back to every mention, but that doesn’t always happen. I don’t really do the chit chat thing that often because I feel strange having a private conversation in public. It’s actually pretty disgusting to be honest, a weird attempt at getting attention. It’s like having a conversation in the mall food court but instead of speaking quietly you’re yelling at each other and looking around like hopefully people can overhear. Nobody on my timeline does that chit chat thing, otherwise I’d probably unfollow them. Well, that’s not true, some of my friends do the chit chat bit but it tends to be a string of stupid jokes which I can appreciate.

What is your #hashtag philosophy?

I don’t really use hashtags. Well, I do, but it’s rare, and only when it’s really funny or literature related. That being said, I use hashtags in real life, in text messages, in gchat conversations, in face-to-face interactions because I think that’s funny if extremely obnoxious. I don’t really give a shit if someone else uses hashtags, though.

Do you obsess about number of: followers / retweets / favorites / unfollows / other?

Yes. I check and recheck my tweets retweeted, my @ mentions, etc. I don’t pay too much attention to how many followers I have, but I like to pride myself on a more or less 2:1 ration of followers to followed. I mean, I only have 160 followers, so really who gives a shit: I’m not exactly reaching a large audience with my tweets about cocks and half-baked ideas about art.

As I write this, I somehow got involved in a weird back and forth between a few friends of mine about hashtags, which I realize now violates some of the crap I said above. Again, who gives a shit.

How do you think you come across to your followers? How would you like to come across?

I would like to come across as disturbingly funny. Maybe sometimes even worth reading. For the most part I just want to mildly amuse all of my followers. I have nearly 4,000 tweets. I think my twitter is basically a blog at this point. Except my blog lacks cohesion, idea, thought. It’s mostly just typing, not writing. But I hope it’s entertaining typing.

What do you want people to remember about your Twitter account?

Remember only this: I fucking care about you.

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