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Getting to know: Matthew Henriksen and Brandon Shimoda.

July 8, 2011 \am\31 10:11 am

[In which WWAATD asks vapid questions culled from various teen magazines to non-vapid, non-teenager types.]

Brandon Shimoda.

Opening Statement: I am Matthew Henriksen and Brandon Shimoda.  I am not any one person nor am I particularly two people.  I both do and we do not exist.  I cannot get this grammar to suggest the right place.  Imagine one person not living anywhere but also very specifically being, in that having many problems and trying to apply those problems to an elegant grammar consists of a person, place, thing, or idea, but none of those.  I am one of those things that I am not.  Thank you for reading my answers.

Full Name: Matt Henriksen and Brandon Shimoda

Age: Now, or when people are reading this? 30s.

Matthew Henriksen.

Height: My grandfather was 4 foot 11 inches when he died, in 1996. Isn’t that crazy? How old was your grandfather when he died? Or, did your grandfather die? I don’t mean to pry, if it’s a sensitive subject. My other grandfather is still alive, though he’s shrunk someone since quitting his job. He worked full-time until age 85, for Boeing in southern California, and as soon as he retired his height began to decrease. Common, I think. My mom worries about him. Not sure she ever worried before, but she worries now. A foot doesn’t seem like much, because there is so much going on with the body in the inches between, its all registered horizontally, though its appreciable.

Currently Live: Arkansas, Maine, Taiwan

Hometown: favorite, or hometown favorites—often more than one

Instruments: wooden ones

Car: bomb

Secret Talent: death

What is the best thing about your job? My job is so useless and pays so poorly that I often dream at night about winged donkeys.

What was your most embarrassing audition moment? Waking up behind a Waffle House between the dumpster and the casting agent’s car, which I had apparently keyed before falling asleep on some cardboard.  The next night she left a message on my machine offering the part (Nathan Detroit) but I was too horrified at having possibly (can’t remember) eaten at a Waffle House to agree to anything for several months.

If you could live in any past era which would it be and why? Mongol. Nose bleeds.

Who is your role model and why? Mitch Taylor. Infinite gayness. Resistential philosophy.

What do you do for fun? You would not understand.

Do you have a good luck charm? I have very good luck, yes.

Wackiest fan encounter: Dr. Ruth told me she liked the way my back met my butt …

Before I die, I want to: Go back to the early 90s and have sex with that girl who later married that Chinese guy.

When I fly I have to have: I would like to say machete for this answer, but my publicist is typing this and refuses to type machete.  My publicist thinks she knows something I do not know about air travel.  She books many of my flights but I fly those flights.  I fly in the air in a pretty airplane but I am not allowed to say “machete.”

If I had to spend $10 at my favorite fast food joint, I’d order: 10 roast beef sandwiches.

My coolest article of clothing: Mesh beach bag with a hole cut out for my head.

My first financial splurge was: Fat hookers.

When friends come over, we: Dude, really? Let’s just call it pizza.

Do you like to cook? If so, what? Tar.

TV show I never miss: I don’t miss any TV shows.

If you could interview any celeb whom would it be and why? Mitch Taylor. He has beautiful eyes. And charm.  Or Phil Cordelli, because he has magical breath.

Anything about yourself you wish you could change? Everything about myself, but nothing having to do with me.

I’ll eat sushi, but not: I won’t eat sushi.

What are your best and worst subjects in school? I don’t go to school, I’m a prince!

If you could be granted 3 wishes, they’d be… That I never would have had wishes in the first place because bad things always happen to people.

If I could gay-marry anyone in the world, he/she would be… You’re fucking kidding, right?

Where on earth are you most dying to go? Cocytus.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? Thing? Things don’t make me cry.

Do you ever wish you could just be a normal kid? No. Unless normal means dead.

What would people be surprised to know about you? I was just talking about this the other day, uncannily enough, and my friend was surprised about what I thought people would be surprised to know about me, to the point of not believing me and also not believing what I thought people would be surprised about.

If you had to name one song as your theme song, what would it be? “There’s a Bird on Me” 

Have you had a starstruck Hollywood experience? Who was it with? I once gushed all over David Young when he came to my table at AWP.  Does that count? Does it help if I tell you that I seemed to creep him out a little?

FAVORITES

Favorite Actor/Actress: Wallace Shawn or O.J. Simpson

Favorite Movie: Cocoon

Favorite Body Part: Depends whose body we’re talking about.

Favorite Singer: Well, the singer is known to her fans by the diminutive Sabbouha and is also called Al Shahroura, or “Song Bird.” She is well known for her ability to sustain a single note for over a minute when performing in the Lebanese ‘ataba style. Lately, she said that her “off” used to last for 50 seconds.

Favorite Song:Dream a Little Dream,” “My Smile is a Rifle,” “I’ll Never Smile Again,” “Glow Worms,” “Little Queen,” “Desperado,” “Mama’s Got a Runny Bundt Cake,” “Uncle Jam” “Untitled #2” “Maneater.”

Favorite Candy: That stuff you can’t get anymore.

Favorite Philospher: You mom.

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Tobacco and clams (see: Married With Children).

Favorite Sport: Sex in elevators.

Favorite Sports Team: Strawberry Fields Forever.

Favorite Athlete: Kenneth Patchen.

Favorite Book: Anything on Kindle.

Cell Phone or iPod: For what?

Summer or Winter: Fall.

Ice Skating or Gymnastics: I was a young gymnast. At age 7 or 8 I enrolled in gymnastics through the local YMCA. I was grouped with other boys my age, but after my first day of stretching, leaping and dangling, I was promoted to the 9-11 year-old female group. My prowess was obvious, though I was immediately outclassed by girl’s twice my size. Old muscles were broken and new muscles were formed. Girls who woke up early to go ice skating were similar to those girls who woke up early to hang out with horses: both types grew up to be filthy teenagers.

LA or New York: Hockey.

Skiing or Snowboarding: Midgets should be welcomed as astronauts.

Chocolate or Flowers: Breaking up.

Dogs or Cats: Dogs are disgusting and cats are fascist assholes.

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