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Getting to know: Myriam Gurba.

July 22, 2011 \pm\31 12:11 pm

[In which WWAATD asks vapid questions culled from various teen magazines to non-vapid, non-teenager types.]

Full Name: Myriam Gurba

Age: A lady never reveals her age. 34.

Height: About two ewoks stacked

Currently Live: In the LBC! Represent! (insert mock gang sign here _________)

Hometown: Very close to Neverland Ranch or as my friends say, “Another piece of the puzzle…”

Instruments: Any hole in my body.

Car: Honda Fit. I bought it because the promotional brochure demonstrated that an adult llama could easily fit inside. Excellent for road trips to Peru.

Secret Talent: I can’t tell you.

What is the best thing about your job? It gets me laid. Laid off. I’m on the dole, people.

What was your most embarrassing audition moment? I’ve never auditioned but one time I taught for half a day with my zipper down. Luckily, it was a strange day. That morning when I woke up, I felt that it was my destiny to wear underwear.

If you could live in any past era which would it be and why? I’d like to do the 90s over again as Shannen Doherty because she hogged all the fun back then. Or maybe Tori Spelling. I’d like to see what its like to have a really crooked nose and the money to fix it.

Who is your role model and why? My Dad. I’m exactly like him. So it makes feel I’ve achieved an ideal.

What do you do for fun? Pet my rabbits and work on crossword puzzles IN PEN.

Do you have a good luck charm? I have eight. I own two rabbits.

Wackiest fan encounter: I’m still waiting for it to happen and I’m looking forward to it. At this point in my career, I’m still so underground that my biggest fan is my mom.

Before I die, I want to: Receive a giant check in the tradition of Publisher’s Clearing House.

When I fly I have to have: A ticket.

If I had to spend $10 at my favorite fast food joint, I’d order: Chili cheese fries, a cheeseburger, a strawberry shake and an Oreo shake.

My coolest article of clothing: A pair of black leather Jeffrey Campbell boots.

My first financial splurge was: A pair of Doc Martens.

When friends come over, we: Play board games that I’ve rigged so that I win. My tall friends always suggest we play He Who Gets Things Off the Top Shelf Wins.

Do you like to cook? If so, what? I do not involve myself in the handling of food and the world is a better place for that.

TV show I never miss: America’s Next Top Model! You wanna be on top?

If you could interview any celeb whom would it be and why? Zach Galiafanakis. I’m obsessed with him and would like to own him. I’m bummed that the Thirteenth Amendment prohibits that. And I’m not an advocate of slavery unless its white slavery.

Anything about yourself you wish you could change? I’d love a face transplant. Those are possible nowadays. There was a lady in France whose dog ate off her face and she got a new one. Lucky.

I’ll eat sushi, but not: If it’s raw.

What are your best and worst subjects in school? I suck at anything numeric. I think I have dyscalculia.

If you could be granted 3 wishes, they’d be…For more wishes. No der.

If I could gay-marry anyone in the world, he/she would be…I’m already gay-married. What kind of gay question is this?

Where on earth are you most dying to go? Djibouti. For bragging rights.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? My period.

Do you ever wish you could just be a normal kid? All the time

What would people be surprised to know about you? That I’m really a man. That would be very surprising. I’m not a man though. As a small child, I took Japanese lessons. I was the only Mexican in Japanese school. It was a trip. All the grafittied katakana in town was my fault.

If you had to name one song as your theme song, what would it be? “Baby Elephant Walk.”

Have you had a starstruck Hollywood experience? Who was it with? Not exactly. I saw Billy Joe, the lead singer from Green Day, at a Denny’s in Emeryville. I flashed him. He did no throw beads at me. He continued eating his Grand Slam.


Favorite Actor/Actress: Zach Galiafinakis

Favorite Movie: Not sure. As a child, I really strongly identified with films where young boys had to survive abandonment and some sort of personal apocalypse, like the death of their parents by the Axis powers. Movies like Empire of the Sun and Hope and Glory. Now I really like horror, comedy, and documentaries. Movies I’ve recently watched that I really liked are The Hangover II and Bridesmaids.

Favorite Body Part: I can’t stand my body. I wish I could have a non-human body, like be a rabbit or something cute and unassuming like that.

Favorite Singer: Morrissey. All Mexicans love Morrissey and if they say they don’t, they’re Honduran.

Favorite Song: There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Favorite Candy: York Peppermint Patty. I also really like Andes Mints but only when I got to Olive Garden. Yes, I eat at Olive Garden and yes, I like it.

Favorite Philospher: Demetri Martin

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Pistachio

Favorite Sport: I read.

Favorite Sports Team: I read.

Favorite Athlete: I read.

Favorite Book: Because I read so much I have many favorite books. Among them are The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Wide-Eyed by Trinie Dalton, The Ballad of the Sad Café by Carson McCullers, Reflections in a Golden Eye by Carson McCullers, The Collected Works of Wallace Stevens, Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin, Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice, Passionate Mistakes by Michelle Tea, everything by Pema Chodron, Lucky by Alice Sebold, My Dark Places by James Ellroy, Beloved by Toni Morrison, Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison, Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Moseley, the poetry of tatiana de la tierra, the poetry of Martin Espada, every adventure ever had by Sherlock Holmes, and the list goes on…

Cell Phone or iPod: iPod filled with Morrissey, rap, and mariachi

Summer or Winter: Summer in California

Ice Skating or Gymnastics: Gymnastics but only rhythm and only buy Russians with horrible teeth, zero body fat, and lips that are strangers to smiling

LA or New York: LA. NY can suck it.

Skiing or Snowboarding: Skateboarding. I hate snow. I’m Mexican.

Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate. Mexicans discovered chocolate.

Dogs or Cats: Rabbits. When Mexicans look at the moon, they don’t see a man. They see a rabbit.

One Comment
  1. July 23, 2011 \pm\31 3:34 pm 3:34 pm

    possibly the best theme song ever

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