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Deadliest writer #1: Lord Byron vs. Ezra Pound.

August 4, 2011 \pm\31 4:01 pm

There is joy, if you open your mind, to be taken in the lowest forms of our culture. I take this joy often. Even more often, this joy comes not in the form of reality TV, but through an even trashier and more tasteless viewing experience: Deadliest Warrior.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching it, this is the basic premise: take two fighters/soldiers from various historical periods, examine their fighting style and weapons, and then eventually put this ‘information’ through a ‘battle simulation’ to find out who would win.

I could wax lyrical about the meaning my life holds knowing who would win in a fight between William Wallace and Shaka Zulu, but I don’t want to you deprive you guys of watching it yourselves.

Instead, welcome to the first edition of Deadliest Writer (haha see what I did there I am so smart). To start off the series which I’m sure will amuse me for a long time, ladies, gentleman, MAKE SOME NOISE FOR OUR CONTESTANTS:

Lord Byron vs. Ezra Pound

ROUND ONE- Fighting Style

Byron: Romanticism / satire.

Pound: Modernism/ imagism.

ROUND TWO- Short Range Weapon

Byron: his penis. Notorious for shagging everything in sight, Byron’s penis had the additional threat of gonorrhea and syphilis. So basically, you do not want to get in range of that thing.

Pound: let’s go for a positive here, Pound was notorious for helping out his friends. He was responsible for the publication of Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, and for the serialization of Joyce’s Ulysses. Hemingway praised his generosity saying ‘”He defends [his friends] when they are attacked, he gets them into magazines and out of jail’.

ROUND THREE- Long Range Weapon

Byron: his bear. Yep, he had a pet BEAR while at studying at Cambridge. In protest that Trinity College would not allow dogs (Byron was a huge animal lover) he got a bear instead. Obviously.

Pound: his less than stellar politic beliefs. Having lost faith in England after WWI, Pound moved to Italy and embraced Fascism. He was even employed by the Italian government in WWII to broadcast anti-American radio propaganda.

ROUND FOUR- Special Weapons

Byron: apparently Byron was actually a pretty good boxer and swimmer, despite his club-foot. So even if he couldn’t out run you on land, he could probably knock you out and make a hasty aqueous getaway.

Pound: possibly his being insane. After the aforementioned political foray into crazy-town, Pound had a full-on breakdown and spent 12 years in St. Elizabeths psychiatric hospital in Washington, D.C.

FINAL OUTCOME: In hand-to-hand combat it may seem as though Byron is the natural, more athletic choice, but Pound has the legit crazy going on, and may have extra motivation to beat the crap out of Byron considering Lord B’s rumoured bisexuality and Pound’s distaste for such forbidden love. I’m cheering for Byron (I mean, he’s a stunner) but when it comes to who is going to engage in the meanest smack-talk and fight dirtiest, you have to hand the belt to Ezra.

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2 Comments
  1. August 5, 2011 \am\31 2:19 am 2:19 am

    I pretty much share the same sentiments you express in the last sentence!

  2. thomasbrady permalink
    August 9, 2011 \pm\31 3:18 pm 3:18 pm

    That bust of Pound’s? Seriously??

    If you have to give it to Byron on his statue alone…

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